you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
