Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
