Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
