did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
