Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Even my vagina gasped.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
