How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
