I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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