M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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