you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
