My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she smelled like a LAN party
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
