Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
