He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
