guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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