I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
