Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
