you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
