you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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