how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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