How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
