Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
