im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I deserve this hangover.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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