who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
