either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
