Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
