Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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