I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Randomize
