I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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