How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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