yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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