girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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