after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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