I didn't shave. On purpose
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
