Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
