keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
