"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
