She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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