last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
