I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
