I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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