Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Randomize
