Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
