Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
