I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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