I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
