How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
two words: eviction party
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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