I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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