Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
