Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yo dont text me then not text me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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