I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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