i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
party gras won. party gras always wins.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
