I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
you're hired as official boob wrangler
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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