I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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